By Boden Lovering and Samraj Khatri, contributing writers

What would you do with 5 billion dollars? Buy a house, a car? Maybe travel the world? Well, with that much money, you can buy 2 NBA teams and use the left-over cash to buy 50,000 Big Macs. And, the craziest part about all of this is that Jeff Bezos can buy all of that 40 times

To put his $200,000,000,000 into perspective — if you made $7.25 per hour (minimum wage) with 2000 hours every year, you would need to work 69,000 years just to make %.5 percent of Bezos’ money. You could convert his money into quarters, you could stack them till they reached the moon, then do that again 3 times. If he wanted to, he could buy a whole rocketship and go to space (which he did). Jeffrey was in space for 10 minutes. What did he do in those 10 minutes? He played with Skittles. With all of this money, it’s crazy that he still can’t afford hair.

Obviously, most billionaires are evil. Maybe not evil… but bored. Take Elon Musk, for example. He’s made flamethrowers, gotten baked on Joe Rogan a few times, and named his child. According to Grimes (Elon’s ex-girlfriend) the name X Æ A-12 is a combination of  “X, the unknown variable. Æ, my elven spelling of Ai (love &/or Artificial intelligence). A-12 = precursor to SR-17 (our favorite aircraft). No weapons, no defences, just speed. Great in battle, but non-violent.” Grimes says it is pronounced: X, A, I, like the letters. Elon says it is pronounced: Kyle. This is maybe the worst name in history, given to an unfortunate child. We think us fat guys have pretty good names. 

Let’s just say both Bezos and Musk left us all of their money in their will and just suddenly died. What would we do with the billions of dollars? Samraj would retire his whole family early and go around the world feeding impoverished families. Then he would use whatever’s left to buy a propeller hat and some strawberry ice cream. Bodey would put 100 billion dollars into saving the planet, retire his family, and get a tegu. 

Okay, now that the wholesome stuff is out of the way, what does Bodey really want to do? He wishes to make the single best haunted house, no, haunted town, in history. He would buy an abandoned town and restore it. Then he would set up four major areas to go through: like a school, hospital, museum, etc. There would be a bunch of puzzles and monsters, which you can choose to fight or run past. Think about it like… a haunted escape room. Now, here’s the catch. Only one person can go through at a time, so the people in front can’t ruin it for you. His vision is that it’d take a few hours to complete and wouldn’t be overly expensive, so anyone can go. It’d be like Resident Evil or Silent Hill. He also wants to make other experiences around the world and make an insanely hard puzzle that stretches across the globe. 

Being rich means we get to have really good food whenever we want it. Since us fat guys love food, if we were billionaires we’d have to have a huge royal buffet. The main dish? Bezos and Musk.

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